the TRUE story of American Thanksgiving

[Cross-posted from another forum since folks are complaining about the lack of content here – I hope those of you who read it twice enjoy it as much the second time.]

Y'all may not believe it, but Thanksgiving comes only twice a year, and it's time again to celebrate by eating tons of stuff. Now I know most of you have never heard the TRUE story of American Thanksgiving, so I thought I would share it with you – there is only one stipulation – you must NEVER tell anybody else, because if my government discovers the secrets I am leaking in this memo it is likely that I will MYSTERIOUSLY SHRIVEL up and DIE after being poked in the back with an UMBRELLA by a foppish man wearing a top hat.

Two hundred years ago, the fathers of my country were having a little potluck dinner, and were discussing weighty matters like: "What is up with Betsy Ross these days?" and "John Q. Adams, this corn beef casserole is deLISH! I simply MUST have a recipe!" When all of a sudden Benjamin Franklin, in a serious tone, brought up the question of what the national bird should be.

The room fell quiet.

Thomas Jefferson was the first to speak. "I think it should be a happy kind of creature. Something pretty. A bluebird, or a cardinal. You know, something colourful."

"That's 'colorful.'" moaned Noah Webster from the back of the room.

"The national b-b-bird, n-n-no." said George Washington, "The b-bird should be p-pr-proud. R-r-r-esolute. P-p-pow-p-p. Strong."

Franklin's eyes glistened. "Yes, sir. That is exactly what this country needs, my master! For behold! My latest invention!"

He walked over to the corner of the room, and pulled a rope. Screaming was heard from the servants in the hallway. When suddenly Benjamin Franklin's greatest achievement, the MELEAGRIZER in a burst of yellow, brown, and gobbly bits at the throat, poked its huge beak through the doorway. Said beak was clasped firmly about a formerly unmentioned scullery maid, who was probably not interested in all of this attention.

"Yikes!" said Eisenhower, "I'm out of here!"

The bird's fearsome head was soon followed by its grotesque, disproportionately large body, which it tried to squeeze into Washington's newly upholstered loveseat. When it failed, it raised its flanks to reveal its majestic, iridescent tail feathers.

"OOH, pretty!" said Jefferson moments before being swallowed whole.

John Coltrane spoke up. "What is this thing, Benjamin. Can't you control it? Or do I have to bail you guys out again!"

But Franklin just stood there, wiggling his fingers against each other, cackling maniacally. "Yyyes. One day. Today I'm gold. I'm money. I feel like a hundred dollars." He watched as the enormous bird chased Marie Antoinette about the room. "Do you hear! It's all about me! It's my invention! It's all about Benjamin!"

Coltrane sighed and went to the coat rack where had left his tenor sax. He had hoped it would never come to this.

"Ooooh! Won't s-s-s-somebody h-h-help!" Washington was covering his head with his greatcoat, and yelling into one of the voice tubes in the wall. "It's-s g-g-ot J-j-jef-f-fers-s-"

"Don't worry, old man." Coltrane said. He swung his sax at the beast, catching it in its eye. It recoiled, dazed. He took another swing, and another, until the creature was writhing on the floor.

He reached his long arm down the creature's throat and pulled out Thomas Jefferson, an overjoyed scullery maid, and the babe Abraham Lincoln.

"Who is that baby!" Bill Gates yelled.

But Coltrane answered "That is the child of the prophesy. Who will one day rise to unite this great nation, so that one day all the children will live in harmony, and never again fear that feathered monsters will destroy all that we hold dear."

He looked over at the shattered remains of his axe and frowned. It would be a hundred years until an instrument of that quality would be built again. Yet he knew that no great victory could be won without paying the price.

And that, my friends, is the true story. It happened exactly two hundred years ago today. All that other stuff you may have heard about – Jefferson marrying his slave, Aaron Burr shooting Alexander Hamilton, Britney Spears – yes, all that is important. But it all began on this day, November 23, 1806. And that is why we celebrate by devouring a large bird. Because we all know that – had it not been for the courage and wisdom of our founding fathers – it could have been the other way around.

18 Responses to “the TRUE story of American Thanksgiving”

  1. Karen Karen Says:

    You are so weird, Kevin.

  2. John the Statistician John the Statistician Says:

    We need the truth to celebrate
    To capture the patriot's fascination
    Nothing a sucker do to can placate
    Our inspired bird of a nation

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    Trying negative Kudos…

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